Menu
For years things have been going downhill for me. I’ve been suffering from depression since high school, but do people care? Most of them do not. Especially my family that doesn’t understand me at all and would rather just make fun of the mental illnesses they know I do have (such as OCD). And the older I get it just gets worse and I end up focusing on these feelings that I’m having rather than other things that are important. At first, I just felt really sad and disappointed and then angry and it’s gotten to a point where I’m extremely unmotivated. The worst part of it all is that last summer I actually started to have suicidal thoughts.
I honestly don’t think I’d get a to a point where I actually would kill myself but sometimes I worry that one of these days I may end up surprising myself. I mean, I once cut my lip with a pair of scissors in second grade for literally no reason. Honestly, last summer everyone I dealt with really pushed it but add college bullshit to it and I’m even more upset. I’ve already cried because of college since I got dropped from classes twice at the beginning of the quarter. Honestly, this far on I’m starting to wonder if I’m wasting my time. It’s honestly starting to feel like more trouble than it’s worth. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to learn what I was planning on going into on my own during my own time. Regardless or whether I stay or go, I’m tired of being as pathetic as I am. I want to be more responsible. For me, it’s been pretty easy to get distracted by a lot of things even if they’re not really that exciting. I’ve been distracted by just my water bottle before, for example. I just wish I could focus on things. I wish I was more confident in my own abilities, but every bit of confidence I’ve ever had has vanished. When I was a kid, I seemed to be smarter than my classmates which set expectations unrealistically high. If I had continued to improve, it wouldn’t have been a bad thing really but I ended up not being smarter than everyone else and started feeling like more of an idiot as the years went by. It doesn’t help then whenever I do something, I’m always told that it’s not good enough. Definitely not good for my crippling self-esteem issues that I’ve had longer than I’ve suffered from depression. The worst part of it all is that my parents don’t seem to think I’ll make it anywhere; that I won’t make it in the “real world”. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t feel like I can do anything. My parents are responsible for a good chunk of my problems and they don’t even realize it. I’ve gotten after them before, especially my mother (since she’s the worst) but even after that, SHE DIDN’T FUCKING GET IT. So telling my parents about my problems is a complete waste of time. I don’t have a whole lot of real life friends, either. Especially not any that I can see regularly and when it comes to talking to people about my problems, I’m not very good at it. I’m very introverted and not way too comfortable talking about how I feel. There are other things on my mind that I could talk about but I’ll save this for another time when or if I ever feel comfortable talking about them. I feel alone most of the time. Here I am now, nineteen years old still living with my shitty family. I’ve said before but if I had what I needed to move out, I would have packed my shit and left already. Shit’s certainly changed since I’ve graduated high school. First of all, I have even less friends even though there are some I would have liked to be able to keep in touch with. My hand condition (Cutaneous Adherence Syndrome) got worse and my sisters drove me insane. I’m surprised I didn’t lose my damn mind back then. Lastly, please do not tell me things will get better because they don’t. In my life, it seems to only get worse.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
December 2023
Categories |